Alycia’s walls still aren’t painted!! :( The few times I’ve gone in to start taping them, I could barely see the carpet. I know it’s not nice to put conditions on gifts, but I have to be able to put a step stool safely on the floor so I can get work done, right? I don’t know. Do I just pick it all up for her to be nice?
This brings me to something I’ve been struggling with over the last few weeks/months. I know there are a few posts going around right now, probably more than I am aware of, about frustrations with parenting.
This one got over 130,000 likes on facebook. Is that crazy or what? Friend after friend after friend shared it, with comments of how it made them feel less guilty. I have to admit, when I first read it I got a little annoyed. I’m sure that poor little old lady meant no harm, and aren’t we suppose to just let that stuff roll off of our backs? Parenting IS hard. Anyone in the midst of it knows it. AND, and.. it truly does go by way toooo fast. I waited a few days and decided to read it again. I decided I must have been in a mood of sorts when I read it the first time because the second time, it made me feel thankful and it made me laugh! I especially loved this part…
*Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes by so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”*
My question is this… why do we need posts like this to make us feel less guilty for struggling through parenthood? I’ll tell you why. Okay, I don’t exactly know why but I do blame a lot on tv shows, movies, books, blogs, facebook, etc… they are all fun, but adds to the thought and feeling of having to have it all together.
I’m blabbing on about this because these last few weeks/months have been extremely hard on me, parenting wise. I feel bad because I just keep thinking… I can’t wait to have a job so I can have peace and quiet! (Grass is greener, right? ha! I will miss these kids like crazy, who am I kidding?!) But for now, I’m thankful on the rare day when Jude takes a nap. I almost don’t want to do anything but sit and enjoy the stillness. I take a deeeeeeeeeep breath when the clock reads 3:49 p.m. because I know Alycia will walk through the door at any second and drag me down a rabbit trail into a whole other world of crazy. I just read another article that talked about why teenagers act the way they do. One of the topics was about how their brain activity kind of reverts to that of a preschooler. I read that and was like, YES!!! Oh gracious, yes! Because that IS what it feels like! I have felt so guilty and have obsessed and prayed and lost sleep and have been frustrated with myself for feeling like that, but the fact of the matter is.. my 13 year old requires more work than my 3 year old! Draining, pull my hair out, fall-asleep-feeling-like-a-failure-of-a-parent kind of exhausting work. As I read it I thought, so you’re telling me it never ends? Is that what you’re saying?
That thought stopped me in my tracks as another thought trickled through my brain.. maybe that’s how God feels about me. Maybe that’s how I feel about me. Isn’t that why I have this on my wall? I thought about the song I sang as a little girl… “He’s still working on me, to make me what I ought to be, it took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars, how loving and patient He must be, He’s still working on me.” Lord, please? I need more patience. Give me more patience (and some mind reading abilities wouldn’t hurt either). And even after those thoughts, I still find my mind screaming… “but she has me. I’m here. Right here. Me, her Mom. You gave her to me, God. And you gave me some wisdom to give to her. Why can’t she accept it? Ponder it. Go forth and at least make good decisions. Even if it takes her longer! I don’t care if science says her brain makes dumb ones at her age, I require more of her. She doesn’t even have to guess at what to do if she doesn’t want to- I’m telling her, this is what you should do! Do it!”
Articles on teenagers often state… “it’s just teenage behavior. They’ll outgrow it.” I’m tired of it. To me, it’s just not acceptable! I expect more from my kids. I read another blog earlier this week (I tried to find it again so I can link back to it, but I can’t. I’ll keep trying.) it talked about kids and lying. I’m going to share three things with you because I feel they are important… and because when you are raising preschoolers and teenagers at the same time, you tend to see where, often with good intentions, you may have gone wrong the first time. Here we go…
“If your child lies, don’t flip out.” Agreed. But it is something that is hard for me at this point.
“If you catch your child biting their nails and ask them to stop and they respond with… I wasn’t biting them – don’t call them a liar, say something to the effect of… maybe you didn’t notice you were doing that.” I have to say, based on experience, I disagree with this. Unless of course your child REALLY didn’t know they were biting their nails, but usually nail biters tend to know they are nail biters. I agreed with not calling your child a liar, but you should let them know that they lied. Simply get down to their level and state the facts. I saw you do that. That was a lie, or a fib. Otherwise you are teaching your children that not only did they lie and get away with it, but you made up an excuse for them. They’ll only learn to make their own excuses for their lies and eventually it will drive you crazy!!
“If your child tells you that they put away their backpack when you can clearly see it laying on the floor at your feet, don’t over punish. Make them pick it up and put it away. In doing that you’ll make the punishment fit the crime.” In my opinion, there wasn’t a punishment for the lie. They simply did what should have been done in the first place. This also leads to nowhere good. The lies won’t stop and at some point you’ll have to decide if you’re going to just let your child keep doing it or put an end to it by calling them out on EVERY lie. Because once you let them get away with it again, it will start all over. This is not a road you want to go down!
(There is so much more I want to share here, but this post is already entirely too wordy. I’ll follow up another day… )
I am much harder on my preschooler now than I was on my older two when they were his age. I do not expect any of them to be perfect, but I will not accept lying. If there is anything I could go back and undo, it is this. And it started with me making small excuses for them and not forcing them to be fully accountable for their actions. Parenting is so hard. And I’ll probably be feeling this way, in one form or another, when my youngest is older. {sigh}
I’m sure by now most of you have seen this guy. I have to say… I giggled. It would be so easy for me at this point to take such drastic actions. I’ve prayed for peace and healing of my heart. It’s what is needed. And kids need to know that. When they disobey, they don’t just break rules… they can break our hearts. You may think that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I give more of myself to my children than I take for myself. How can one give so much and not be heartbroken when it is taken for granted or abused? And every time I feel myself begin to heal and forgive and get past whatever thing it happened to be this time… along comes another thing to pound the chisel back in. While I do think bullets in the laptop was extreme, after all that was HIS money he just shot, he could have just sold it – I agree with making kids realize how good they really have it. I agree that we need to teach our children responsibility. And to work for what they want. They need to appreciate their parents more and realize how hard we work for them. Even little kids need to know this.
I love my children, but I struggle.
I struggle with being the parent of a child so far away. I miss him. I miss seeing him grow and mature. And I’m sure if he was with me, it would be over other teenage boy issues, but he is not and I am not. I’m struggling because he is 16 and already going on college visits. I have NO IDEA how this happened so quickly!!! This is one of the reasons I agree with the little old lady who says, “Carpe Diem!”
I struggle with being the mother of a teenage daughter. We can’t all be a Gilmore Girls episode, people! And while this has caused the most turmoil in my heart, I’ve come to terms with it – for now.
I struggle with being the parent of a logically minded, justice seeking preschooler. It takes a whole different kind of patience.
And at the same time, these kids who cause me to struggle and cause me to cry and cause me to feel like I am the biggest failure in the world… also give me my wings to soar. They make me feel strong and teach me things I never would have learned about myself had they not challenged me. I love them. I love them with everything in me. It is the only reason I try so hard and want so much for them to succeed. This morning I read this and to me, this is beautiful. By far my favorite of all the links I’ve shared. In my children, I see me. Good and bad. It is humbling.
I thank God for each and every one of these people, because even though they are complete strangers, they have helped me reach a place within myself that I could not have reached on my own. They shared their struggle and showed me that I am not alone. (Even if I kind of already knew I wasn’t.) We shouldn’t have to read articles and blogs to feel less guilty and justified in our struggles, but there is something about it that makes us feel better. And for the nay-sayers… I do realize that we are all different. When it comes to parenting, what works for one does not necessarily work for another. In the end, the only advice that cannot be refuted is…
(via)
I spent the rest of my ‘secret time’ that day using my seam ripper to take it apart. 
